Baghdad bombings and Iraq shootings: may the dead rest in peace,
mumbai:may the victims be protected,
and everything else- one day something will prove to me that love *does* exist, but now and probably till the end of my life,I'm sceptical. Then I'll be a old bitter woman. And I'll spend my time writing hateful poems or something. Then I'll descend into madness. Or perhaps not, maybe I will grow up and finally start working as hard as I should- university won't be as easy or forgiving. Remind me why I want to spend another 3/4/5 year of my life in education? Because as sad as it is to admit it, I love it really. It keeps my mind off the sadness and confusion. And lack of water. :)
The decision has finally been made. We are spending a week in Diyala, so then I don't get too far behind the school work of Baghdad.
Unfortunatley, the only internet providers in Diyala are internet cafes, as I've mentioned repetitively. This means reverting to old fashioned write on paper diary. I will type it up as soon as I come back though.
As well as this, I have to mention, recently, I have been complaining about my 'freedom', or rather my lack of it. Until, I realised what an idiot I can be. The freedom I 'so badly crave' was already there in front of me- I just never had the guts to use it. After a conversation a few days ago, I realised that complaining about all the plans laid out for me was useless- I have complete control of my life. I just never bothered to really make any decisions, I just accepted everything out of, well, love for my family maybe? Who knows.
Perhaps it was because, deep inside, I never really cared.
But now I do. I have an aim in life, and I can now work towards it. I don't want my life to be perfect, I just want to enjoy every minute of it, because there is no guarentee of what is to come after life. So with that I, Touta, declare, that I am now independently making decisions. Some will be stupid, and result in me having to walk through hell and back, but at least I will be able to say that I lived my life- I didn't quietly follow the paths drawn out for me- I drew my own paths and I made (and enjoyed) my life.
And with that, I wish you a better week than I have had, now I'm off to wear black- news is, those not in black will be shot. By who? I don't know, but my guess is they'll be wearing black. Now the women I see in baggy black abbayas almost remind me of the angels of death, with the black billowing fabric at their sides, looking eerily like wings.
I feel like I'm in a fashion show. Instead of the dusky colours of autumn, black is the new trend. Instead of Gucci and Dior logos, stamps of Sadr adorn bags and clothes. Wailing lamenting songs can be heard from cafes deep into the night, whereas before poignant songs over young love sang out in the darkness. I feel in a different world. One that I clearly don't belong in.
Hmm, well I'm going to wear black, and mourn the world's state, as well as mourning the inevitable responsibility that comes with my new found freedom.