Saturday, 29 November 2008

Sadr's party invites: Dress code-Black only.

In this post, I would like to express my sorrow over the recent world events-
Baghdad bombings and Iraq shootings: may the dead rest in peace,
mumbai:may the victims be protected,
and everything else- one day something will prove to me that love *does* exist, but now and probably till the end of my life,I'm sceptical. Then I'll be a old bitter woman. And I'll spend my time writing hateful poems or something. Then I'll descend into madness. Or perhaps not, maybe I will grow up and finally start working as hard as I should- university won't be as easy or forgiving. Remind me why I want to spend another 3/4/5 year of my life in education? Because as sad as it is to admit it, I love it really. It keeps my mind off the sadness and confusion. And lack of water. :)

The decision has finally been made. We are spending a week in Diyala, so then I don't get too far behind the school work of Baghdad.

Unfortunatley, the only internet providers in Diyala are internet cafes, as I've mentioned repetitively. This means reverting to old fashioned write on paper diary. I will type it up as soon as I come back though.

As well as this, I have to mention, recently, I have been complaining about my 'freedom', or rather my lack of it. Until, I realised what an idiot I can be. The freedom I 'so badly crave' was already there in front of me- I just never had the guts to use it. After a conversation a few days ago, I realised that complaining about all the plans laid out for me was useless- I have complete control of my life. I just never bothered to really make any decisions, I just accepted everything out of, well, love for my family maybe? Who knows.

Perhaps it was because, deep inside, I never really cared.

But now I do. I have an aim in life, and I can now work towards it. I don't want my life to be perfect, I just want to enjoy every minute of it, because there is no guarentee of what is to come after life. So with that I, Touta, declare, that I am now independently making decisions. Some will be stupid, and result in me having to walk through hell and back, but at least I will be able to say that I lived my life- I didn't quietly follow the paths drawn out for me- I drew my own paths and I made (and enjoyed) my life.

And with that, I wish you a better week than I have had, now I'm off to wear black- news is, those not in black will be shot. By who? I don't know, but my guess is they'll be wearing black. Now the women I see in baggy black abbayas almost remind me of the angels of death, with the black billowing fabric at their sides, looking eerily like wings.

I feel like I'm in a fashion show. Instead of the dusky colours of autumn, black is the new trend. Instead of Gucci and Dior logos, stamps of Sadr adorn bags and clothes. Wailing lamenting songs can be heard from cafes deep into the night, whereas before poignant songs over young love sang out in the darkness. I feel in a different world. One that I clearly don't belong in.

Hmm, well I'm going to wear black, and mourn the world's state, as well as mourning the inevitable responsibility that comes with my new found freedom.

9 comments:

C.H. said...

You are going to Diyala? Great! I hope you have a great trip. I'm not sure when you're leaving, but may I ask a favor? Do you think we could contact via email? I'd really like that.

Anand said...

Sister Touta, what is the reaction in Diyala to the attack in Mumbai?

How can the Takfiri be managed? They seem to want to kill almost everyone in the world.

C.H. said...

BTW, I'm proud to say I have added your site over on my blog with all the other great Iraqi patriots and others who want to make the world a better place :)

touta said...

c.h,
Thank you, my email is fogalnakhal@gmail.com, and I'm going on monday.But the internet over there is not as good, so I doubt I'll be able to use it as often.
Anand,
I'm not in diyala yet, but I'm not quite sure. Its unfortunate there's such hate in this world.
:)

Najma said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Najma said...

I love the way you write! You're very clever and will do great in the future, whatever you choose. It's the choice that is most important so choose wisely.

We don't have the colors' problem. I wear all the colors I want, these are ALL THE COLORS! It shall all pass inshallah..
and we'll see that love exists, hopefully.

Have a safe trip, and enjoy your time in Diyala. Hopefully by the time you return I'd have had enough time to read your whole blog :)

touta said...

Najma,
thank you very much. I hope to choose wisely, and I hope to read more of your posts too, so I can prepare myself for university. :D
As for love, I'm still sceptical with all the killing.
Lots of love from baghdad,
touta

Iraqi Atheist said...

Touta, hi first. I feeeeeeeeeel u. I was there and still am. Please, just don't be like me, don't give up ever. Your freedom is the most important thing in ur life. It's not ur responsibility to worry about ur parents' or society's agendas. I have given up, and I'm suffering more than ever, fighting an endless war is better than surrendering and filling up with shame. This is how it starts, by the songs u hear and the clothes u dress, and by time, the virus will reach into ur parietal lobe and ur eyes won't be able to distinguish ignorance and nonsense. In the same time DO NOT do anything that may cost u ur life for ur freedom, just, DO EVERYTHING ELSE.

PS: are u in sadis??

touta said...

Iraqi Atheist,
Hi too. :)
If you don't want me to be like you, then I suggest, DONT give up too. Then I wont. ;)
Music is relatively easy to chose what I listen to, but clothes..I wish.And as you know, here anything can cost us our lives, so you be careful too.
Yes, I think its sadis.Only six months untill the end of school. And then university. I'm soooo tired.
P.S. University can't be that bad... I mean really, you know what parietal lobe is.