Tuesday, 8 September 2009

Don't you forget

I'm at rest. I've made a decision. :D

Other than that, life is becoming pretty much unbearable to the point of i'm walking around the cold cloudy nights. At first I used to love the sheer amount of bright orange lamps, lighting up every meter of where i wander. They used to look like fiery jewels above my head.

Now they're just a nuisance, blocking my view of starry nights. Blocking the quiet dark. I have to learn to stop comparing countries. Iraq's dark and somber, but I could see the stars twinkle above me. Here I have everything, but its the small pleasures that i miss, such as the whining stray cats, and the buzzing of electricity appliances on the brink of breaking with the ever stopping and surging of electricity.

And the stars. I miss those.

I actually managed to convince myself for ten minutes that the twinkling and moving red and yellow light in the sky, was not an airplane but a star or a planet. Then i dragged myself back into reality (unwillingly).

I'm back to learning the piano, but suddenly, its taking up a lot more of my time. There's an eery feeling of change. I've changed.It suddenly seems as if everyone is annoying me, and the truth is, i don't think i'm looking forward to taking life seriously. I know i should, but i always prefer to float through life.

The other day i was stunned into one of the most gut wrenching silences ever.
'Which life do you prefer? The UK life, the Iraq village life, or the Baghdad life?'.
For the first time in my life, i had the horrible soul sinking realisation. I have a split life, a split mind. A part of me cherishes each one. A part of me hates each one.I wonder if a mixture of the three is possible.

Do I even have a life?

*shouts of 'get a life' touta!*
haha. Funny how i don't think i want to change a thing. Apart from perhaps learn to be patient and sleep a bit more.

pondering life.....
The Decisive one

14 comments:

JG said...

As with a number of your other recent posts, I'm left with a number of lingering questions! ;)

Great all the same though!

I like night time walking too, and walking at dawn is also very peaceful....

Dr.Violet said...

missing stars too .... I miss those of Iraq .. I have never seen them since along while :)

Touta, dear ... stay safe!

Touta said...

JG,
i was being straightforward honest!
as for the questions, ask away. :)
walking at dawn is surreal, but i cant get up that early...One day though. :D

Violet,
you too stay safe and enjoy the second year! :)

what i love, is that stars are the same wherever you go. they don't change in any country.

spinspermy said...

So if Iraq moved on its electricity problems and settled its other inside problems you will not like it then..no generators sounds, and there will be lights that can distract your joy of staring at the shiny stars!!!

David said...

What have you decided Touta?

Most of my life I have lived in cities whose lights at night make it difficult to see many stars. However, I took a trip out to New Mexico some years ago and the sky was very dark there. I watched the Perseid Meteors and I saw the Milky Way for the first time. It was beautiful! :)

Touta said...

spinspermy,
hehehe, when iraq does solve all its problems, i think the shiny stars would fall from the sky with shock.
there's always the moon to look at i suppose..

david,
i've decided that i dont have to rush my life, and can take some time out to relax and help others, and generally gain life experience.
theres something very serene in looking at unknown planets and stars. :)

pepe said...

touta, didn't know that you play piano, that is great. do you know these guys? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifKKlhYF53w

Touta said...

pepe,
i play, but not well. :D
hahaha, the video really made me laugh, especially the small hands part. :P

Lynnette In Minnesota said...

Iraq's dark and somber, but I could see the stars twinkle above me.

I remember once a long time ago trying to tell Zeyad that. He wasn't too impressed at the time, as I recall. :P

mhmd said...

split mind?!

sweetie, are you trying to tell us you have a split personality?

:))

Touta said...

lynnette,
when you're on the roof and you look out, you see nothing more then collapsing buildings and dangerous live wires hanging everywhere,and the annoying thing is, even in the depth of the night, there's not a second of quiet. i can't remember it ever being silent at night, but as soon as you look up and see hundreds of stars in the ink black sky, all the noise, all the ruins, all thats lacking seems to blur away. :) its quite a magical feeling.

mohammed,
*chant* blog blog blog blog.
meh, don't we all have different aspects to our personalities? i wouldnt call it split though. :D

Lynnette In Minnesota said...

its quite a magical feeling.

Perhaps it reminds us that we are but a small part of the universe we live in. :)

Or perhaps they're just pretty. And it's nice to see something pretty amongst all the ugliness.

Touta said...

it also reminds me, its one thing we can't spoil and ruin.

Sandybelle said...

توت توت توت, عيد سعيد!!!كل عام والحلوين بالف خير