Saturday, 12 November 2011

Happy Eid!!

I stood, staring blindly at the fireworks that for a brief few minutes, lighted up my being.

I hate this. I hate the fact on what used to be my happiest day, I was completely uninspired. I think I'm starting to hate a lot of things, only hate is too forceful, too strong for my timid tastes.

I want to suppress life smacking me in the face, which is frankly what I feel it is doing to me now. Only repeatedly.

My childhood eids seem a lifetime away, though I know they were only a few years ago. The shouts of aunts, uncles, grandparents ringing loud in my ears. My heart racing for a day that was all over too quickly.

I curse the circumstances that have led to my isolation from all I love, yet at the same time I feel unequivocally blessed to be standing here, the cold making each intake of breath kill me a little, yet also awakening me to life.

There's so much I can talk about! Too much to talk about perhaps. If i started, I have a sneaking suspicion I would never stop. The reams of my life knotting in a jumble of words. Where can I start with my laughter and delight at Rwandans,Koreans, Jamaicans, Russians, Brazilians...their nationalities and cultures each so distinct so separate. Where can I begin with my interactions with the species of 'London Iraqis'. Where can I commence with my stories of misunderstandings, and understandings.

The immensity of how alone I was hit me, but the excitement and rush of future escapades washed my loneliness too quickly (I like to occasionally mull over my solitary state). This time feels so liberating and yet so imprisoning.

9 comments:

HyperCRYPTICal said...

Oh Touta, talk about the things you want to talk about - I miss your fine writing so much.

Talk even if you feel you will never stop! You need never be alone as there are many that care about you (including me).

Anna :o]

Touta said...

Anna,

writing is exactly what i think i'm going to do :D
and thank you for your words, they mean a lot, and i know this particular post sounds almost sad, but I see it as an essential part of 'growing' I suppose. :D Hope you're having a good day. :)

jnana said...

London Iraqis are a species indeed!

Touta :( I never had a proper eid. I listen to my parents' stories of eids filled with family and fun and feel so unblessed to have always lived as a stranger.

Touta said...

jnana,
it seems to be our nationality's fate never to experience things as they should be, but constantly hear of how it could be or how it was. I think that makes us have the ability to be amazing speakers/writers, if we so choose. :D

Hadeel said...

I definitely feel the same way about eid these few years, even though I'm living in the UAE.
Eid seems more fun when I was a child than now, and most of my friends from different nationalities feel the same way towards it.

geatg said...

Happy Eid to you too...
"The immensity of how alone I was hit me, but the excitement and rush of future escapades washed my loneliness too quickly"
I understand what you're saying. Well good luck for you dealing with it.

Touta said...

Hadeel,
I sometimes envy the western populations, no matter how old they get, they still manage to cherish and enjoy each christmas and new years, whereas the eastern world get more grief- stricken and morbid as they grow older.

geatg,
you're back?! It seemed like you gave up on writing a while ago, and thank you for the sentiment, though I was sure you wouldn't celebrate it?
I don't think I'm dealing that well with it, how is it with you?

Iraqi Blogger said...

كل عام وانت الخير

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